As I mentioned earlier, Chris and I have embarked on a new diet for the new year. The idea is to establish a healthier lifestyle and shed a few pounds for our big day. For me, this is a struggle. You all know that I love McDonald’s more than Perez Hilton loves little boys, and I could practically soar around the Drive-Thru from start to finish with my eyes closed. Fast food makes me happy. Period. Bad hair days, sobbing babies, Gonorrhea…none of it matters while I’m eating. Just me and my french fries, alone in the world. It’s the greatest love story never told, you know.

Our diet officially started this past Monday, and it’s fairly simple. No complex recipes or witch-like concoctions; A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner. Technically, we’re not doing the “Slim-Fast” diet because Slim-Fast is currently on recall, at least in the can. We picked up Boost instead, and it tastes about the same and has similar nutritional value. We’re supplementing our meals with fresh fruit and 100 Calorie Pack snacks, and drinking lots of water. Oh, and absolutely no soda…this is truly the greatest obstacle. I’ve been off the sauce for 6 days, though, and let me tell ya…you haven’t truly come down until you’ve suffered an abrupt stop from a Mountain Dew high. It is sweet nectar from the gods and I miss having it in my life.

Some things I’ve learned so far; One, a full serving of Boost is not as filling as one might think. Two, baked Cheetos are not the same as regular Cheetos. At all. And three, when someone appears absent-minded, it’s not that they are disiniterested in you…they’re just hungry. So very hungry. I swear, this week someone at work would be talking to me about the weather and, although I would try to smile and nod in all the right places, in the back of my back I was thinking “Bitch, if you don’t hand over a double cheeseburger I’m going to bite your face off.”

So far I’ve lost 2 pounds and the very essence of my being. Wish me luck in week two, and of course I will keep you posted.