My family and I have had a bit of a medical adventure this week.

Wednesday morning, Chris had a doctor’s appointment out of town and our kitties had a vet appointment at the same time. What that equated to was me chasing two cats around the living room while attempting to herd them into carriers without any help. I was late for work as it was, and on the way to the vet I was interrupted by a detour which led me much farther out of my way than I’d like to admit. Our pets go to Animal Care East in Winterville, NC, which is a community that I’ve only ever visited for the purpose of meeting with said vet. I have no sense of direction as it is, and I only know one way in and one way out of Winterville. Coincidentally, that was the very same way that was blocked off for the detour. Luckily, I found the clinic just in time for Salem to get carsick in his carrier. You can imagine my surprise, of course, because we didn’t feed the kitties that morning for that very reason. Needless to say, I have since learned that Salem not only steals the dog food when Riley isn’t looking, but he prefers to swallow the kibbles whole.

While we’re on the subject, I would like to take a moment to complain, if I may, about the health care industry in general. Pets and people alike are often subjected to “recommendations” by trained professionals who, in all honesty, are only interested in upselling your transaction. Point in case: I spoke with the vet yesterday afternoon and he told me about how Boots and Salem are severely overweight and are staring Diabetes in the face…which, of course, could be instantly cured by switching to the most expensive brand of cat food in their lobby, Science Diet. Don’t get me wrong, Salem is a big boy. He arrived on our doorstep hungry and really hasn’t stopped eating since. He could stand to lose a few pounds, for sure, and I should definitely consider limiting his daily consumption. However, Boots is half his size (in pounds and in stature) and is not overweight by any definition of the word. More importantly, according to my vet I should be feeding them this “magical” (to be read “expensive”) cat food even after obtaining an ideal weight. So I ask him, you know, “So this is what they should eat for the rest of their lives?” and he’s all “Exactly. It’s what they need to avoid a Diabetic coma and thousands of dollars of medical treatment.” And naturally I assume “So this is what you feed your pets?” and he’s all “Um, um, no, my pets are naturally lean…”  Bitch, shut the fuck up.

Of course I don’t mind paying a little extra for the best, but at the same time I find it repulsive that someone would frighten uneducated individuals like myself into unnecessary diets/treatments/procedures  and not have a guilty conscience about it. I mean I understand that they are operating a business, just like any other business, and in order to be successful they will need to look for additional revenue in any way they can. How about you offer to wash my dog, or sell me new collars rather than to tell me  that the only way to have healthy pets is to buy some overpriced concoction that, in actuality, was probably designed in somebody’s basement. What’s worse is that I know the same thing goes on in doctor’s offices and hospitals everywhere, and it’s disappointing to know that ethics in medicine are so easily compromised.

*Steps off soapbox*

Moving on, yesterday was just as unpleasant. I participated in a “voluntary” (to be read “if-you-don’t-participate-in-this-you-can-kiss-your-raise-goodbye”) health screening offered by our insurance company. I guess the idea is that company-wide awareness of our medical risks will encourage healthier lifestyles and therefore lower insurance premiums in the future. I don’t know, to me it was unnecessary and painful. I don’t like needles at all, so I thought that maybe by not doing the manditory pre-examination fast I would be excluded from the procedure. The nurse asked me if I fasted, and I was all “No, I totally cheated this morning.” and she’s says “Don’t worry about that, dear, everyone did. Some people even had a peppermint.”  I told her I really cheated, Starbucks and all, but she still made me give a blood sample. That wasn’t the most painful part, though. I was more wounded by her scale which SPEWED LIES FROM SATAN.  The nurse did let me take my shoes off, but I tried to convince her that the number would be much more accurate if she’d let me strip naked and shave off all my hair.

Maybe I should have bought that Science Diet for myself.